Deep Thoughts of the Day

So if you're strong enough to survive but not strong enough to deal how strong are you really? I mean if you survive but you're not really not living what was the point? Would it have been better to have laid down and died? Is it like cutting off your nose to spite your face or cutting off your ears to prove a point. You did it but what is it going to change? What was the point? I just can't help keep wondering if your going to fight to survive only to lay down and lay it all to vain.

Wow...October

That seems like a LOOONG time ago. When looking back at blog quite honestly I'm just surprised how much I was actually posting. Christmas break was amazing the only part was when I made myself leave. :( On the bright side, I am moving there for real about a month after school gets out! SOOOOOO not soon enough...Before I get there though I'll be going back to Montana which I am UBER excited about. :D

In other news I am pretty sure that I am going to Johnson. I think I needed time off to come to terms with the fact that counseling is not actually 'the dark side of the force' as my roomie likes to say. She's planning on getting the same degree. My roomie this semester is pretty awesomeness. She's planning on going there. I'm planning on taking a year off. I hate it here and I love it at Johnson. I really hate Florida too so I think I AT THE LEAST need to go somewhere neutral and figure out what I really want to do. The southeast of this continental country is not quite agreeable to clear thinking with a clear head, too many influences. My roommate's mom has offered to pick me up from airports and to hold stuff for me at their place. which is exciting. They really want me to take a semester off. I admit my reason is really stupid but quite honestly I'm planning on taking a year off because I don't want to have a fourth college birthday. I've actually made 'plans' with my cousin to stay up all night watching movies because drinking isn't fun. :) I LOVE my family. So its probably stupid but I love it there so much I can't really see myself regretting. I'm going to go ahead and apply for enrollment for next spring but am probably going to tell them I want to push it back to the following fall just in case I change my mind. I just need some high school information to finish my application.

In sad news I found out that a friend who is very near and dear to my heart was diagnosed as having Grade 4 Glioblastoma. A VERY BAD brain tumor and its quite possible he only has 2 to 3 years left. That was very hard for me to read today. I admit I've been scared since he started getting seizures last October and being the paranoid person I am I never really thought it could be this bad. Pray for him please.

To end this on an up note yarn:

^My cousin taught me to knit in the round over break ^

^Finished Product: she also taught me to make cables^

^Baby hat: first baby anything^

Happy Halloween

It's Halloween I am currently only about two hours into my 10 hour! shift at this lovely establishment where I work. And I am thinking it's Halloween which used to be my second favorite holiday (after Christmas of course!). I just can't help thinking when did holidays become so unimportant to me. Why does it seem that holidays are just centered around children? I realize that there is the whole fact that companies aim holidays at children but what are any of us, myself included, doing to change that? To change the fact that all holidays are anymore is a reason to spend money?

Last Thanksgiving I spent the week with a couple of friends on campus. I loved it and I am sooo glad I got to know them better. But the holiday itself wasn't really a big deal, it was just another break from school. Christmas last year was pretty bad and one I would rather not remember. I think my lack of interest in holidays slowly started when my grandparents died. That year was the first time we didn't eat with my uncles over at my granny and grandad's house. And slowly but surely after they died more and more people kept leaving.

Even though I was with amazing people last Thanksgiving they weren't my family, they were amazing friends but not family. And it seems that is what the holidays are about: family. I am excited about this Christmas. My first white crhistmas plus getting to spend a holiday with more family around me than I probably ever have known.

Healthy Marriages and Happy Children.

I think that if I get nothing else out of this school I am grateful that God has shown me that its is possible to be married more than five years and still love your spouse and love your child and be good to both. I'm not stranger to married couples. But these couples even if they were older were either newly weds or childless. I have friends who fit under the titles but I was around them as individuals not as a married couple. Slowly I am coming to be friends with a couple that have either been married 7 or 10 years (I forget which) and they both still seem so in love. And they have a little four year normal little boy. (I know he is a healthy normal little boy--They let me do my developmental psychology observation on him.) None of the above is something I was arround growing up. I feel this is something God wants me to see. I feel this is something I need to see. I am thankful that I have met them.

Bobby

I had to write a book report earlier on an amazing book called Bruchko. And I like happy endings which my book didn't have. My favorite person was a Motilone Indian named, Bobby. We see him as a young boy of probably 12 or younger and we see him grow up: find Christ, lead others to Christ, become a leader, get married, have children, lose children, and be a good father to a boy without one. Finally he is the best friend of the main person, Bruce, throughout the book. He is always there for him. We see Bobby grow and change so much without even realizing it. Only when we look back do we really see it. In the end he is killed. The author (who is autobiographical by Bruce) loves his friend as David loved Jonathan 'more than that of the love of women'. I came to love Bobby too. It hurt when he died. I wonder if it hurts more because I have been reading all these badly written romances that always end happy or that it wasn't just a book. It was real. Bobby was real. He really died. I cried as I read it and I might even cry again. The thing that is hard for me is all these people I know who get married and it's like: Susann who? Bruce worries about this when Bobby gets married. Bobby is at least 7 to 10 years younger than him at least but they have become best friends, and even pact brothers. They are family. Bobby was there when Bruce needed a friend desperately and continued to be there for all the years they knew each other probably also 10. But when Bobby got married instead of Bruce loosing a brother he became closer and gained a sister. Bobby is the kind of man I want. To see him die...it hurts.

Mondays suck.

So Mondays are starting to suck. My CLM has informed we need to talk. Again. She wanted to do it tonight I pretty much avoided my dorm and hung out in my friend's room in a different dorm after I wrote my paper. I realize she is just trying to help, but with the fact that if my roommate is not bothered enough my how 'unclean' I am to not even talk to me about then my CLM really needs to stay out of it. I am going to do everything in my power not to be in this dorm again and at the very very least not to room with this girl again next semester. I get the feeling she is one of those kind of people that just likes drama. I get stressed out to easily and it literally makes me sick in various and creative ways. Depending on how the 'meeting' goes I am seriously considering talking to the dorm resident.

Ministry and sleep if only...

Today was fall ministry day. (Since I don't play soccer) there were three choices: Woodland Christian Camp, God's Farm (where I am told you are planted by God before being impregnated into your mother...), or the City of Refuge. With City of Refuge (where I spent my day) you could help out in the kitchen, with the children, or do what I did. My group was taken into a warehouse before being split into. Half the group was cleaning and the other half was sorting clothes. I sorted clothes (yay!) and then we...picked up garbage. Not so fun. I did a lot of walking and am exhausted. After getting lunch we were able to leave. And all I wanted was a shower and nice warm bed to cuddle up in and maybe read a book (okay mainly to sleep). But it was not to be. First, I had to work in half an hour (no sleep for me) and then the power goes off almost as soon as I get in the dorm. And so all I wanted to do was sleep. And the power was out and supposedly all the people in the library had gone outside so I assumed the library was closed but when my shift rolled around I went to the library just in case. And good thing I did. The power may be out but the libary keeps on going. So the power finally came on and went down to the computer lab where I work on Thursday and turned on all the computer. Half of them you couldn't even log into and probably 3/4s of them didn't recognize that they had a printer installed (this is after there was finally internet). So I had to work on that problem for awhile and was kind of waking up. Now there is only one computer that you still can't log into so Chantal and I decided just to shut it down for awhile to see if it helps. So now I still have half an hour and getting really tired again and once more all I want to do is sleep. So I will get off in half an hour and will go grab dinner. And then I will parse 2 verses of chapter 3 in 1 John in the Greek. And then I will sleep. And then I will sleep. And then I SHALL SLEEP!!!