Happy Halloween

It's Halloween I am currently only about two hours into my 10 hour! shift at this lovely establishment where I work. And I am thinking it's Halloween which used to be my second favorite holiday (after Christmas of course!). I just can't help thinking when did holidays become so unimportant to me. Why does it seem that holidays are just centered around children? I realize that there is the whole fact that companies aim holidays at children but what are any of us, myself included, doing to change that? To change the fact that all holidays are anymore is a reason to spend money?

Last Thanksgiving I spent the week with a couple of friends on campus. I loved it and I am sooo glad I got to know them better. But the holiday itself wasn't really a big deal, it was just another break from school. Christmas last year was pretty bad and one I would rather not remember. I think my lack of interest in holidays slowly started when my grandparents died. That year was the first time we didn't eat with my uncles over at my granny and grandad's house. And slowly but surely after they died more and more people kept leaving.

Even though I was with amazing people last Thanksgiving they weren't my family, they were amazing friends but not family. And it seems that is what the holidays are about: family. I am excited about this Christmas. My first white crhistmas plus getting to spend a holiday with more family around me than I probably ever have known.

Healthy Marriages and Happy Children.

I think that if I get nothing else out of this school I am grateful that God has shown me that its is possible to be married more than five years and still love your spouse and love your child and be good to both. I'm not stranger to married couples. But these couples even if they were older were either newly weds or childless. I have friends who fit under the titles but I was around them as individuals not as a married couple. Slowly I am coming to be friends with a couple that have either been married 7 or 10 years (I forget which) and they both still seem so in love. And they have a little four year normal little boy. (I know he is a healthy normal little boy--They let me do my developmental psychology observation on him.) None of the above is something I was arround growing up. I feel this is something God wants me to see. I feel this is something I need to see. I am thankful that I have met them.

Bobby

I had to write a book report earlier on an amazing book called Bruchko. And I like happy endings which my book didn't have. My favorite person was a Motilone Indian named, Bobby. We see him as a young boy of probably 12 or younger and we see him grow up: find Christ, lead others to Christ, become a leader, get married, have children, lose children, and be a good father to a boy without one. Finally he is the best friend of the main person, Bruce, throughout the book. He is always there for him. We see Bobby grow and change so much without even realizing it. Only when we look back do we really see it. In the end he is killed. The author (who is autobiographical by Bruce) loves his friend as David loved Jonathan 'more than that of the love of women'. I came to love Bobby too. It hurt when he died. I wonder if it hurts more because I have been reading all these badly written romances that always end happy or that it wasn't just a book. It was real. Bobby was real. He really died. I cried as I read it and I might even cry again. The thing that is hard for me is all these people I know who get married and it's like: Susann who? Bruce worries about this when Bobby gets married. Bobby is at least 7 to 10 years younger than him at least but they have become best friends, and even pact brothers. They are family. Bobby was there when Bruce needed a friend desperately and continued to be there for all the years they knew each other probably also 10. But when Bobby got married instead of Bruce loosing a brother he became closer and gained a sister. Bobby is the kind of man I want. To see him die...it hurts.

Mondays suck.

So Mondays are starting to suck. My CLM has informed we need to talk. Again. She wanted to do it tonight I pretty much avoided my dorm and hung out in my friend's room in a different dorm after I wrote my paper. I realize she is just trying to help, but with the fact that if my roommate is not bothered enough my how 'unclean' I am to not even talk to me about then my CLM really needs to stay out of it. I am going to do everything in my power not to be in this dorm again and at the very very least not to room with this girl again next semester. I get the feeling she is one of those kind of people that just likes drama. I get stressed out to easily and it literally makes me sick in various and creative ways. Depending on how the 'meeting' goes I am seriously considering talking to the dorm resident.

Ministry and sleep if only...

Today was fall ministry day. (Since I don't play soccer) there were three choices: Woodland Christian Camp, God's Farm (where I am told you are planted by God before being impregnated into your mother...), or the City of Refuge. With City of Refuge (where I spent my day) you could help out in the kitchen, with the children, or do what I did. My group was taken into a warehouse before being split into. Half the group was cleaning and the other half was sorting clothes. I sorted clothes (yay!) and then we...picked up garbage. Not so fun. I did a lot of walking and am exhausted. After getting lunch we were able to leave. And all I wanted was a shower and nice warm bed to cuddle up in and maybe read a book (okay mainly to sleep). But it was not to be. First, I had to work in half an hour (no sleep for me) and then the power goes off almost as soon as I get in the dorm. And so all I wanted to do was sleep. And the power was out and supposedly all the people in the library had gone outside so I assumed the library was closed but when my shift rolled around I went to the library just in case. And good thing I did. The power may be out but the libary keeps on going. So the power finally came on and went down to the computer lab where I work on Thursday and turned on all the computer. Half of them you couldn't even log into and probably 3/4s of them didn't recognize that they had a printer installed (this is after there was finally internet). So I had to work on that problem for awhile and was kind of waking up. Now there is only one computer that you still can't log into so Chantal and I decided just to shut it down for awhile to see if it helps. So now I still have half an hour and getting really tired again and once more all I want to do is sleep. So I will get off in half an hour and will go grab dinner. And then I will parse 2 verses of chapter 3 in 1 John in the Greek. And then I will sleep. And then I will sleep. And then I SHALL SLEEP!!!

Familiar Pain

I almost don't want to post this because it is something that I don't let myself think about too much but I feel that it is important. I was severely depressed and very close to being suicidal when I was growing up. I never 'diagnosed' by a doctor and was never given medication. And I claimed to the few people I talked to about anti-depressants that I didn't want to condemn them but wouldn't take them myself because I can't stand things that affect my brain. That is true, its why I would never take drugs or drink alcohol. However that's not the whole story. I also would never want to take them because to a degree the thought of not being depressed to me back then was scary. Depression was familiar and it was safe. I was at least majorly depressed for at least five years. I am sure it was longer but that was when I recognized it fully for the first time. I was rereading a book where one of the characters is blaming himself for something that happened and when the second characters tells him to stop he replies:

“I don’t know. I mean, I’ve carried these feelings for so long that I doubt I’d know how to live without them.”  

I recognized myself because that was how I felt whether or not I wanted to admit but the second characters response was also very true as well. He said:

“You’ll be surprised how quickly that space will be filled with something else.”
“Like what?”
“Love."


For me I haven't really found love. And when I first left the situation that caused me such severe depression it didn't go away overnight and sometimes I still occasionally feel depressed. But it isn't overwhelming 'I really wish I could die now' depression. And slowly but surely I started to become happy. For the first time in my conscious memory every day wasn't about struggling to get through. It wasn't about living for that one week of camp that was referred to as a little slice of heaven on Earth. It was simply about living and being happy and having peace with your soul. Its why I hate that I am living for the weekend and am so seriously considering not returning next year. I don't want to live for the weekend. I just want to live.

White Christmas

Something else occurred to me today. So for the last two years I lived in TN and I got used to seeing snow. There wasn't alot and I was okay with that. As someone who grew up my entire life without ever seeing real snow until the age of 17 when I went to college I only needed just a little. So I got used to seeing snow as I said but I always went home to Florida for Christmas break. Florida does not get snow. Okay it got a little in January which was weird but I have never seen snow on Christmas. This winter thanks to my aunt and uncle I am flying to Oregon where they actually get snow and will probably see it on Christmas. So to think about the fact that I will probably actually have a White Christmas this year is insanely exciting!!!!

Living for...?

I realized as I made my way to dinner tonight that I am living for two things. Short term I am living for the weekend. Long term I am living for Christmas break. I did not like this realization. I remember being a little homesick the first semester at Johnson but I didn't hate it and once Thanksgiving rolled around I was fine and never wanted to leave even for breaks after that first one. I wonder if the fact that at Johnson your weekend is almost half your week makes a difference. I didn't like my revelation. Growing up in my home I was living for college. Living until high school ended and I didn't have to be there anymore. I left like I'd always waited for and was happy. Now I wonder is it better to live and be happy or is it better to live and be practical? If I am practical I will stay in college and finish my degree. I just want to be happy then I would say screw it and quit school (at least take a break) and just work and live and I think right now that would make me perfectly happy. Right now I just want to live in Oregon near my family, have a job, a place to live, find a nice church and I think I would be perfectly happy. But now I am just living for the weekend. I am struggling to get through the week so that the weekend can be here. I can't stand that I am living this way. I just really don't know what to do right now. The fact that this school is putting me so much into debt and I'm not even happy makes me not sure what will happen next year. I know right now that I am going to force myself to get through this semester and work on bringing my gpa up. Then when Christmas comes I will fly out to Oregon for a month that I know will be way too short. Then I will fly back and do another semester here. Then in the summer I will probably spend the entire summer in FL which will actually be really weird because it will be the longest I have been in FL since I started college. When this summer gets here it will have been four years ago. When September rolls around I think I will either head back to this school or I will head to Montana and until the time comes I really have no idea where I will be. It is a weird thought for me. I am someone who over plans my life to death. The fact that I have no idea what I am going to do next fall is both incredibly scare and incredibly freeing.

Crocheted Hats

Okay I have never actually crocheted a hat, but I own one! Once again my last post depressed me so I wanted to write about something not....depressing. India! Okay well kind of not depressing. I'm not sure if I'm seeing to much into it or God is really showing me where to go.

In Sociology today we saw a clip about the movie, Slumdog Millionaire:

I haven't seen it but it seems to be a rags to riches story about this boy from the slum of Mumbai in India. Its an Indian spin on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. The clip wasn't from the movie it was of the actual place. It showed you who live ther and told you about this slum. Where people make on average 2 dollars a day and if you're doing really well 5 dollars a day. And either next fall or next spring I might even be going to this country. My only real concern at this moment is getting the money to go. Since the program to go to India is going to be new next year I don't yet know how much it will cost and will not know until February. Either will I will most likely need to come up with four to eight thousand dollars and that doesn't even count the money I will need while I am there. I want to think this movie is God showing me I am doing what he wants me to. So if it is I know that I just will have to have faith that he will provide for me. My God is good to me.

Only midpoint?

Since I started Johnson back in the fall of 2008 this has been the weirdest semester as of yet. My first semester was interesting....I got homesick around now maybe a little later. When Thanksgiving rolled around I was homesick for my familiar hometown and ready for a break. After that though when it came to breaks I never wanted to leave. I really just wanted to say. But then that is Johnson. A home. A family. Why would you want to be kicked out of your home. And when it came to breaks that was it really felt like to me. I admit that I wish I was still there and want to go back even though I feel I'm not supposed to be there anymore and that God has a different plan for me.

I am counting down the days until Christmas break and can go home to Oregon. Quite honestly that has become my real home. When I first came to ACC it wasn't Florida I longed for. I would go back to Johnson in a heartbeat but I was homesick for Oregon. I used to love school but even my classes this semester make me feel like I'm back in high school just trying to make it through my classes. I only like 2 of my classes and that makes it hard.

I love sociology and plan to take possibly all the sociology classes this school offers. They also offer some social work classes which is excited because that is what I really want to do. I hope they have a social work program here before I leave. So I don't like my classes. I have a roommate who is really getting on my nerves at said moment which I think is quite amazing since she is never in the room, therefore she is complaining to the CLM why?!?

Either way we are not going back there...I just really want to go home. My other problem for next semester is going to be that you're really limited on what you can take. You can't just a pick a class and decide you're going to take it. You're pretty much lucky if you can fit it in to your semester if they even offer it that semester.

Oh how Johnson spoiled me! Yes it is an amazing campus considering it is at the very least 8000 dollars a year cheaper than any other and that your schedule has so much flexibility. The other way Johnson spoils you is that they treat you like adults? Yes they be on the stricter side compared to my current more liberal college but they actually treat you like a college student isn't an extended teenager that is still living at home in high school.

Crocheted Blankets

I am actually currently crocheting a blanket! Mainly I just found the last post really depressing. Bright side I got it out of my system. So not thrilled with my roommate but that was said in the last post (but at least I've had the full 'roommate experience') and will not be repeated in this one. So umm...umm. Hmm....what can I talk about. Oh listening post group tonight was fun (a small group of three people of the same gender go out into the community to apply the bible more or less to their life with the hope of evangelizing). Anyway during group I discovered I'm not a papaya person. Oh and I decided who I though John the Baptist most looks like in my oh so humble opinion:

I eat stress for breakfast...okay lunch and dinner and for a midnight snack...

Because you want a run down of my day:

So this morning I was running late for class and my CLM gives me grief as I'm running out the door about hair dye in the shower which I guess she cleaned sometime between yesterday night and this morning at 8AM...She also informs me there are some other things that she needs to talk to me about but we need to sit down to talk about them. Well me and the unknown and the words 'we need to talk' from anyone and I really don't care who tells me I stress out instantly. So I go to Greek which is stressful enough because almost everyday before I leave I am quite able to feel stupid. Ugh. Well then at 9 I ended up talking to a girl (who I really need to find out here name again...). We ended up talking somehow about Blue Like Jazz and I told her I had started reading Through Painted Desserts (by the same author) and never finished and gave the book back to my friend who lent it to me. So she says I can borrow her's (hoo-rah!). Then Developmental Psych was pretty nice as was my peer group at 11. Then there is my lovely job in the library which I rather enjoy. I am definitely going to miss my conversation with Chantal when she goes on maternity leave...So then when I got off I had dinner at 530. Then we left for listening post group about 6ish and probably got back at 9ish. Then two hours later this meeting with my CLM I have been dreading since 8am this morning happens. She knocks on the door while I am in the middle of typing up my support letter for a class (oodles of fun) and my roommate is sleeping so I go open the door and she reiterates the hair dye issue of this morning. What dye?!? Seriously I can't help clean if I can't see it! And then she mentions this problem with my roommate that my roommate mentioned to me. Wait! Back up! I have a problem with my roommate? Since when? I guess my roommate mentioned to my CLM that she had issues with how not clean I was. So I kindly inform my CLM that this was not addressed to me. Maybe she made a hint and I didn't get it? I am not the hint hint person thank you much.

Dear roommate,
you barely talk to me and barely ever in the room. If you have an issue I won't be able to take a hint from you. AKA please be direct.
Thanks,
your roommate.

Can we rewind please. Lets go back to fall break please when it was just me in my room. No people to stress me out just lovely friends and family on facebook. Oi!

Hmm...Oops

You may have notice the photojournal kind of...how shall we say ended? Yes, well, me doing anything consistently on a daily basis doesn't work so well.... Well maybe reading and knitting or crocheting...Any who I really needed to add some more photos of my projects. And I WILL most definitely do that. Soon. Promise. :) So this week has kind of sucked. It just started off sucky and went way down hill. Sunday morning no sermon. Instead they had a skit about the small groups they were starting. Sunday night I find out that Sunday afternoon there was a shooting at MACU: Mid-Atlantic Christian University (aka RBC: Roanoke Bible College). I totally freaked out for a minute about my friend who goes there. Then I scrolled down my facebook and she posted something. Then I was just in shock for a while. Then on Monday I lost my money and actually worried for a minute that maybe my roommate stole it. Yes I was just a tad bit stressed. And my first lamp post group was that night and I needed money and with the shooting...yeah....Then Wednesday I'm reading this blog from my friend that her husband another friend of mine had a seizure the night before. Yeah I freaked out about that and prayed for a good bit of time. Yesterday was nice. No classes (and yes in case you were wondering I can feed myself and no I did not freak out all by myself in the dorm). Oh and for about 48 my room had no internet even though the library and hathcock did. Next week will be amazing. Because if it sucks any worse than this week I might just get hives (aka stress out so bad my stress will start to attack my body). Yes I think I'll post some of those pictures now. I need a happy note. I also have some gloves I knitted during the summer that I haven't added to the yarn journal but I'm also knitting some longer ones and am going to wait until I finish them to add them both at the same time.

Although the first one needs a side note: So there is a barrel pattern in my book of dishcloth patterns I have. Well I messed it up and I loved the way it look so with some help from my cousin, Katrina, and from my Aunt Kathy I created a new pattern. I also included the original (correct!) barrel pattern below.

Inverted Barrel Pattern 1

Inverted Barrel 2

 Inverted Barrel 3

Inverted Barrel 4 (isn't it pretty?) =]

Barrel (correct pattern)

Simple Weave

Diamonds. (love it but there's a flaw in it) =[

 Raised Diamonds (pretty colors, not a pretty pattern...)

 Square Textures 1

 Square Textures 2

 Square Textures 3 (pretty pattern, not so pretty colors)

 Baby Doll Blanket I made my niece for her 1st Birthday

 Stretchy Knit Hat I found online

 Back of the hat

Front of the hat

This is the clock my aunt started making for me a looong time ago that we finished together this summer.