Familiar Pain

I almost don't want to post this because it is something that I don't let myself think about too much but I feel that it is important. I was severely depressed and very close to being suicidal when I was growing up. I never 'diagnosed' by a doctor and was never given medication. And I claimed to the few people I talked to about anti-depressants that I didn't want to condemn them but wouldn't take them myself because I can't stand things that affect my brain. That is true, its why I would never take drugs or drink alcohol. However that's not the whole story. I also would never want to take them because to a degree the thought of not being depressed to me back then was scary. Depression was familiar and it was safe. I was at least majorly depressed for at least five years. I am sure it was longer but that was when I recognized it fully for the first time. I was rereading a book where one of the characters is blaming himself for something that happened and when the second characters tells him to stop he replies:

“I don’t know. I mean, I’ve carried these feelings for so long that I doubt I’d know how to live without them.”  

I recognized myself because that was how I felt whether or not I wanted to admit but the second characters response was also very true as well. He said:

“You’ll be surprised how quickly that space will be filled with something else.”
“Like what?”
“Love."


For me I haven't really found love. And when I first left the situation that caused me such severe depression it didn't go away overnight and sometimes I still occasionally feel depressed. But it isn't overwhelming 'I really wish I could die now' depression. And slowly but surely I started to become happy. For the first time in my conscious memory every day wasn't about struggling to get through. It wasn't about living for that one week of camp that was referred to as a little slice of heaven on Earth. It was simply about living and being happy and having peace with your soul. Its why I hate that I am living for the weekend and am so seriously considering not returning next year. I don't want to live for the weekend. I just want to live.